Seeing the Victim in Me—and Turning It Around

I recently met with my coach. We were talking about my “plate”: my work, all that was going on with my family, taking care of parents, and on and on.

As I told her about my struggles, my thoughts and my distress, she calmly looked at me and asked, “Why are you allowing yourself to be the victim?”

Game over. Hard stop. What?

Ok, I admit that I had been feeling overwhelmed and a little “woe is me,” but a victim?

A victim is someone who has no control. Someone who things happen to. Someone who doesn’t have a choice or a voice. That didn’t sound like me. But in that moment... it was.

I had been carrying the weight of everything and telling myself it was happening to me, like I had no power, no agency, no say in how I moved through it.

And then I had to take a good hard look at that.

What if I did have a choice? What if I could own how I show up in all of this? What if I stopped blaming the overwhelm—and instead, started deciding how I want to carry it?

It’s easy to slip into the victim role. Life gets busy, people need us, work keeps piling up. We feel like we’re at the mercy of it all. But I’m learning that being in the victim mindset doesn’t serve me. It takes away my power, my joy, and honestly—my grit.

And I have grit. I’ve seen it in myself. I’ve seen it in my clients. Grit is what pushes us forward when things are hard. It’s what reminds us we can do hard things.

So here’s what I’m practicing now:

• Noticing the signs: When I start to feel like everything is “too much” or I’m the only one holding it all, I pause. I ask myself: Am I slipping into victim mode?

• Changing the story: I remind myself that I choose how I move through this. I choose how I show up—for my family, my work, and myself.  I LOVE spending time with Dad.  I LOVE my work.  I LOVE helping my kids maneuver their complex lives.

• Giving myself grace: I’m not perfect. I’ll still have moments where I feel low. But now, I try to notice it without judgment, and gently bring myself back to my power.

  
  

This doesn’t mean we don’t feel sadness, frustration, or even burnout. It just means we don’t stay stuck there. We acknowledge it, feel it, and then decide what we want to do with it.

So... are you carrying too much right now? Do you feel like life is happening to you?

Maybe it’s time to gently ask yourself the same question my coach asked me: “Why are you allowing yourself to be the victim?”

Then take a deep breath, and ask yourself another: “What’s one thing I can do today to step back into my power?”

You might be surprised at how strong and capable you really are.