When Letting People Be is Hard

Are you like me? I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to be their authentic selves and should not have to conform to what society says, or anyone else.

I say I’m open-minded and I let people be who they are. And for the most part that is true. That’s true for most of the people around me. But there are a few people that I have manuals for: unwritten rules for how they should live. We all have these- they are buried in our psyche and are deep seeded.

He is my latest battle with manuals. I have a friend who is incredibly smart.... Brilliant, really. She has a high-powered executive career.

I've struggled with the fact that i expected that we would be in something together. That we would be a team, equally invested, and equally committed to showing up.

My friend has given me a million hints and clues that she is not going to participate. There have been signs everywhere that I have chosen not to see or accept.

It has caused me such angst- I've been angry, annoyed, disappointed and even victimized. Why cant we be in this the way I think we should? Why isn’t she showing up the way I think she should? Can’t she see how it should be done?

My coach is helping me with this and has had some amazing insights I want to share:

Let Go of “Should”: We often think people should act a certain way—be more ambitious, more loving, more like us. But “should” is a trap. When we let go of what people should be, we can finally see who they are. That’s where real connection begins.

Listen Without an Agenda: When I stop trying to “fix” someone and instead just listen, I learn so much more about their hopes, fears, and story. Not everyone needs advice—sometimes they just need to be heard.

See the Good: Even in hard relationships, I try to spot what’s right about a person. Maybe they’re not the most organized, but they’re loyal. Maybe they’re not expressive, but they show up when it matters. Seeing the good shifts everything.

Stop Taking It Personally: People’s behavior often reflects their inner world—not ours. If someone is distant or reactive, it may have nothing to do with us. That little reminder has saved me from so much heartache.

Remember Their Humanity: We all mess up. We all fall short. I’ve learned that giving others grace is the best way to receive it in return. And the power of a humble apology can never be overrated.

My manual is a work in progress, but these steps have made a big difference: in how I show up, in how I interact, and how we are getting to a common ground.

I’d love to help you with the manuals that are keeping you stuck. Let’s work together.

I invite you to take my Leadership Assessment at www.thesinhagroup.net to understand your skill sets and develop some new intentions.