People Pleasing and Art of Losing Yourself

Are you like me? I’ve been a people pleaser my entire life. I can remember being a child and trying to make sure that I had all the right friends by doing all the right things that I thought they wanted. As I grew older, I found that I was more particular in how I showed up with different individuals.

What is people pleasing? It’s the act of prioritizing the needs and desires of others over your own, often to the point of sacrificing your own well-being to gain approval or avoid conflict, essentially putting others' happiness above your own, even if it means neglecting your own needs or wants

In my mind, it is putting what other people expect or want from you ahead of what you want for yourself. Most people I know have spent fair amounts of their time being people pleasers.

What’s the downside? It’s easy to lose yourself, your goals, and your authenticity when you are putting other’s needs before your own.

I used to think saying “yes” to everyone made me a good person. But the more I said “yes,” the more I lost myself. Here’s what I’ve learned about keeping my own voice while still being kind.

I Ask Myself What I Want First: Before I agree to anything, I pause and ask, “Do I really want to do this?” If the answer is “no,” I remind myself that my time and energy are important too.
I Practice Saying “No”: I’ve learned that “no” is a full sentence. If I feel bad about it, I say, “I’d love to help, but I can’t this time.” Saying no doesn’t make me mean—it makes me honest.
I Set Boundaries: I tell people what’s okay and what’s not. For example, I say, “I can help you for 30 minutes, but then I need to focus on my stuff.” Boundaries protect my energy.
I Stop Apologizing for Everything: I don’t say, “I’m sorry” for things that aren’t my fault, like needing a break. Instead, I say, “Thank you for understanding.”
I Check My Motives: If I’m saying “yes” just to make someone like me, I stop. I remind myself: My worth doesn’t come from making others happy all the time.
I Spend Time Alone: Quiet time helps me figure out what I really think and feel. When I know myself better, I’m less likely to lose myself in others’ needs.
I Celebrate Small Wins: When I say “no” or stick to a boundary, I cheer myself on! I practice self-coaching, asking myself what I did differently and how I can do more of that
I Remember That I Can’t Please Everyone: Some people might get upset when I stop people-pleasing, and that’s okay. I remind myself: The people who truly care about me will respect my choices.