What’s Beneath the Reaction

Are you like me?  I strive to say what I’m thinking in a thoughtful, caring, and humanistic way.  I try to always think before I speak and read the room. I try to make sure my message comes with curiosity,

empathy, and the receivers in mind.  

Sometimes I don’t hit the mark. 

We’ve all had that moment.  We say something in the wrong way, with the wrong tone, or without the right framing. 

We’ve also all been on the receiving end of a sharp statement, a decision that feels unfair, or a challenging statement dripping in provoke.   

Our body reacts before our brain catches up. This is when emotions flair. Our back is up, our feelings are hurt, or our egos are bruised.  

This is all normal. 

Reactions are not thought out.  They are our primary responses before reason kicks in.  

Reactions are not bad. They are signals. 

Signals that hint at what might be lingering in their minds. 

Beneath a reaction might be several layers.  at first, we may feel: 

• Fear -Will I lose control? 

• Ego -Was I dismissed? 

• Insecurity - Am I enough? 

• Exhaustion -I have nothing left. 

• Old experience -This feels familiar. 

  
  

Sometimes what we feel initially isn’t the real thing.  Going deeper into the layers of ourselves and others, we can discover more.  

Anger might be feeling unheard, excluded or unprepared. 

Withdrawal might be protecting yourself, not trusting the room, or not knowing how to enter the conversation. 

One key here is to leverage massive curiosity.  Ask, “What is the really about?”  “What’s behind the reaction?” 

The second key is to exhibit compassion.  Bring empathy and curiosity together to uncover the layers.  This works for yourself as well as others.    

Everyone in the room has layers. The person who snapped. The person who withdrew. The person who over-talked. 

They are carrying something. 

Leadership is not about having no reaction. It’s about handling it with awareness. So, what could that look like?  For me, it shows up like this: 

• Pause before responding. Even one breath is helpful. 

• Name your internal state.  I may feel defensive or fearful.  I identify exactly what it is. 

• Separate the past from the present. Is this about now?  Or am I bringing in something from the past?  This one can be tricky, but it’s also very powerful. 

• Ask one clarifying question instead of making a statement. “I feel tension here,” or “Is everyone ok?” 

• Circle back if needed. Use your curiosity and empathy here. Be open, hold space, and be in the moment. Repair builds respect. 

  
  

Leadership does not remove emotion. It just gives us more responsibility for it. We need to learn how to understand it.  

How will you dig beneath the reactions?  I can’t wait to hear