When Your Identity Betrays You, or You Betray Your Identity

Are you like me?

I’m mostly secure in who I am, how I show up, and what defines me. I don’t usually question it or doubt it. Until this past week.

I was invited by my childhood best friend, Kat, to help her run a big show in California. She owns Feather and Foxglove, a beautiful vintage jewelry business with animal and plant-themed pieces. Everything she creates is bold and special.

When we arrived at the event, I immediately felt like an outsider. The other vendors were artists—full of style, flair, creativity. They wore funky clothes, dark colors, and had that air of “cool.” I looked down at myself—middle-aged mom energy, old lady hair, frumpy clothes—and felt like I didn’t belong. I stood out, and not in a good way.

In that moment, I started to question everything. Who am I? Am I still the brave, confident, capable woman I know myself to be? I felt like I had betrayed my own identity by not showing up fully, and at the same time, my identity had betrayed me by not fitting in this space. I let that uncomfortable feeling sit with me for a while. It wasn’t easy.

But here’s what I reminded myself of—and maybe this can help you too:

• Own Your Story:  Your past, your journey, your identity—those are your treasures. They don’t need to match the room you’re in. They are the reason you belong in the room.

  
  

• Let Your Style Evolve:  Clothes, hair, outward appearance—those are tools, not truths. You can express who you are through them, or not. But if how you show up on the outside doesn’t match how you feel inside, change it up. Give yourself permission to evolve.  For me, that meant wearing a huge spider web necklace and a shiny purple dress.

  
  

• Stay Rooted in Values:  When identity feels shaky, come back to your values. Are you kind? Brave? Loving? Generous? Those things don’t go out of style and don’t need approval.

  
  

• Belonging Isn’t About Matching:  Belonging isn’t about looking the part—it’s about being authentic. When you show up as yourself, you make space for others to do the same. Sometimes, your presence is the one that changes the room for the better.

  
  

• Lead With Curiosity, Not Shame:  Instead of letting self-doubt take over, get curious. “Why am I feeling this way?” “What’s really going on?” Sometimes our discomfort is a sign of growth, not failure.

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That day, I had to shake off the shame and step into something new. I talked with people. I laughed. I helped run the booth. And I ended the weekend feeling like I had reclaimed a little piece of myself.

Here’s what I know:

Your identity will shift over time. Sometimes it will feel solid. Sometimes it will feel shaky. But it’s still yours.

Hold it gently. Let it breathe. And when it needs a little love—give it that love.