Are you like me? I have always tried to treat each person in my life with respect, openness, and curiosity. I’ve tried hard not to judge and allow each person to live life on their terms and in a way that fits them.
I was once told that “we are all naturally born judgers”. I saw that often throughout my career in others, and sometimes in myself. I would acknowledge it if I saw if, soldier on, and add more curiosity into my thinking. I thought I was doing great!
Recently, however, my coach helped me with a particularly hard relationship I was having. Once we dove in, she unapologetically informed me that I was judging every part of their life and style, and I had “one hell of a manual” for this person. I was not hearing them; I was imposing my way over them. I was not allowing them to live in the best way, and fighting every part that didn’t fit in with what I thought they should be doing or thinking. I was stunned.
Shame quickly set in. How could I have missed this? How could I be the kind of person who does not let live and let be? The kind of person who imposes my ways on others? I’ve coached so many clients on managing these manuals, but how did I not see it in myself? Shame was all around me.
Manuals are defined as “an instruction guide we have for someone in our lives about how we would like them to behave so we can feel good and be happy.”
We all have them- they come from our upbringing, culture and are deep seated. Most of the time we don't even know we have them. But discovering them and unpacking them helps us have more acceptance, curiosity and grace for those in our lives and around us.
My coach helped me uncover these truths about my manual:
It comes from a place of expectations I place on myself on others around “how we should live”
It is formed from my upbringing: impressions on right from wrong, good from bad, what success means, what purpose means, and so on. It can also be protective and keep us from getting hurt or taken advantage of.
It can be so hard to see it in ourselves.
Since this realization, I’ve been asking myself questions to help turn my thinking around: •
What if how they choose to live and their decisions are just perfect?
How can I show up with acceptance, love and respect, even if their thoughts are so different from mine?
How can I change my perspective without shame and beating myself up?
How can I honor the person they are and stop, to really listen to what they want and need
Loving myself is key to moving through this. How can I show myself love instead of shame?
In my coaching, I often tackle manuals and expectations of others. It’s so easy to see it in others.... not so in ourselves. With my clients I focus on taking little steps to allow other viewpoints in. Using questions like these can open doors in our minds:
What is wrong with how they are choosing to live? Is this a fact or a thought?
Do we really know what is best for anyone else? What if we don’t? What if it’s not our business?
If we accept them for all that they are, how does that open space in our hearts for more love and positive energy?
What can we learn from them that could help us in our own lives?
How can you love yourself through this?
As I do this work, I am on a journey to uncover other ways I have been allowing my manuals to hold me back from living with curiosity and acceptance.
I know not all manuals are bad, and they can be valuable and protective. I am hoping this journey allows me to grow in my ability to love deeper and live lighter.
How will you address the manuals in your life? I can’t wait to hear! To work with The Sinha Group, schedule a discovery session at www.thesinhagroup.net
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